Forty years ago yesterday I took on a job for which I was totally unqualified. I had had no formal training for the role and it soon became clear that my Degree in Land Economy and my years in the music business would be no help at all. This was no part time job either. The hours were pretty demanding, 24 hours every day, 7 days a week. It wasn’t just demanding with my time. I’m pretty sure that if I added up all the expenses incurred over that period I have spent a small fortune. I know I’m not painting a great picture, but I have to say, with a very few exceptions, it’s all been worth it because forty years ago yesterday I became a dad!
I started with a full head of hair!!!
There are a couple of things I need to point out straight away. I was a fairly young first time father. I still had all of my own hair and again with a few minor exceptions most of my body worked pretty well. I should also say that whilst I had no formal training for the job I did have a very good mentor. Although he had never sat me down with a list of do’s and don’ts, by his very example by my dad was the best tutor I could have had. In fact I always say the best decision I ever made was choosing my parents.
Richard and Meudwen Pope from West cross celebrating there diamond wedding anniversary. Married at Gospel hall in Manselton on the 14th of April 1949.
Now I know that not everyone has had that same experience and for many years I took my dad for granted thinking that’s what every dad was like. Time wise we were lucky because he was a headmaster. Whilst other dads were working in a factory or an office my dad was always able to take a car full of boys anywhere in Swansea for a football game after school. In fact he never missed one game I played in throughout my whole schoolboy career.
Not only did my father provide an example for me and how I should be with my own kids he also made the whole church thing much easier to accept. When reciting the Lord’s Prayer, ‘Our Father who art in heaven’, I had an image of someone very similar to my dad only much taller with longer hair and a white beard. For others I now know their image would be of someone maybe harsh, or distant or maybe completely absent.
Becoming a father was one of those massive life moments. These were pre internet days but I’m sure I would have tried my best to read as much as possible before the big day. I had thought that although I would now have a little life to look after and protect I wasn’t expecting her to impact my life too much. If we were planning to go out we would take her everywhere. She would fit in with our schedule….
It soon became every clear there was only one schedule we were working to and that was her schedule!
The first few months I can actually remember as being a ‘living hell’. Days blurred into each other, a mixture of changing nappies, feeding, burping and bathing whilst also trying my best to make a living. As the weeks past we soon found a new routine…ah, she’s finally sleeping all night which just as quickly turned into another new routine of her being awake all night!
Months turned into years and first steps, first teeth, first day at school which almost just as quickly turned into last day of school. Those endless days, that you really thought would never end, suddenly end. One minute you’re walking into school and the next you’re walking them down the aisle.
I suppose that change was softened by the fact that she wasn’t the only child. With another 3 children joining the family in the space of 6 years, the slow transition from full house to empty nest took some time…but it’s true what they say… make the most of it because its soon over.
So what have I learnt over the past 40 years?
Well, you can try your best to protect them, but they will fall over, end up in A&E and they will have their hearts broken.
The way they view their dad will change over time. When they are little you are the fount of all knowledge. In their teenage years you will know nothing and then if you’re lucky sometime in their mid-thirties they might come back and ask for a little advice.
You have to let them try even if it turns out to be a mistake. I remember when my eldest told us she wanted to play rugby. After checking that this wasn’t just a fad we got her boots and a kit and took her to training. As a tall girl she found herself in the second row spending most of the session with her head between 2 boys bottoms in the front row. On the walk home, covered in mud, she told me that having been a rugby player once she didn’t want to do it again.
I have learnt that letting go can be painful. When my eldest son got a job and then decided he wanted to leave home and buy a house of his own I was proud of his independence and sad that he didn’t want to live with us anymore. But there are always upsides to change. When my youngest daughter finally left home I consoled myself with the fact that I wasn’t losing a daughter, I was gaining a bathroom!
Taking the boys to school.
Both of my daughters are now married and have children of their own. Thankfully they live close and I am now the very proud grandfather of 3. In many ways it’s like being a parent again but with most of the hard bits delegated to someone else. In fact I always say If I’d known being a granddad was so much fun I’d have done that first.
Having said that in this internet fuelled world of parenting best practice I’m still finding my way. On one recent visit to Joe’s Ice Cream one little grandchild started crying. Turning to my vast experience of parenting I said that Joe’s Ice Cream was only for children who smiled. It was then I was told by my eldest ‘that we didn’t do that any more and that it was good to be in touch with our feelings even if they were sad’.
40 years on and she’s still teaching me lessons…and… I still end up paying for the ice cream.